Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Five reasons I look forward to death
























1. No more Pap smears, mammograms, telemarketers or evangelical Christians. (I know that last one's not a sure thing, but I'm hoping for the best.)

2. Somebody else will have to mop the damn floor.

3. I can finally stop worrying about all the things I haven't read.

4. No more guilt over my carbon footprint, my failure to recycle and my secret addiction to Johnny Mathis songs.

5. I'll never get another whiff of Tresor.



Death and the Maiden, Hans Baldung Grien, 1518-20. Image via Web Gallery of Art

8 comments:

Renee said...

Oh, that was so good! Here's a tweak or two for me:

1. No more Pap smears, mammograms, telemarketers, bill collectors, or door-to-door Jehovah's Witnesses.

2. Somebody else will have to take the car to the shop.

3. I can finally stop worrying about all the things I haven't read.

4. No more guilt over my carbon footprint, my failure to recycle and my secret addiction to folk songs.

5. I'll never get another whiff of Aromatics Elixir.

Bozo said...

1) No more head shrinking. And, of course, and no more evangelicals. (I feel sure the intolerant Bible-thumpers will be around in any afterlife, unless God is more merciful than I imagine, but maybe H.L. Mencken will be around to lampoon them.)

2) Somebody else will have to sit in the MARTA line for me every year.

3) I can finally stop worrying about all the things I've read that were a waste of time.

4) No more guilt about overdue library books or my secret addiction to Vern Gosdin.

5) I'll never get another whiff of Mitt Romney's sanctimony.

Anonymous said...

1: No more being weighed everytime you walk into the doctor's office. I am here because of a sinus infection, not for unsolicited weight control or botox sales pitches. Thanks, though.

2: I won't have to stop for gas every week. It's such an inconvenience.

3: Media Overkill.

4: No more guilt over my carbon footprint, my gas guzzling sports car and my addiction to vices. tee-hee.

5: I'll never get another whiff of White Diamonds.


Good day to you my pentacle wearing babe. :)

Dawn

BitterGrace said...

Ha! I love your lists. They made my day.

That "whiff of Mitt Romney's sanctimony" is gonna stay with me, Bozo. What's the olfactory equivalent of an ear worm?

Anonymous said...

Why a NOSE WORM, of course. :)

Dawn

BitterGrace said...

*slapping self in head* Of course! (That's a really gross image, isn't it?)

chayaruchama said...

I love everything about Death and the Maiden...
[I'd love to sing the Schubert lied for you, sometime- short, but awesome]

I'll be happy for the worms to eat me-
It's only fair.

Somebody else's breasts can get sore from nursing the world.

No more crap trots in male undergarments to wash-

I can have all the pets I WANT.

Color, gender, age, predilections-
NONE of it will matter.

BitterGrace said...

What an earthy list, Chaya. I'm sure Grien would approve.